Dear Phil,
I know we may have gotten off to a poor start, what with you not choosing to play for one of my favorite schools, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. Next year is going to be a big year for you. A lot of people have placed a lot of very high expectations on you. There’s going to be a lot of pressure on you to perform up to these expectations. Because I would like to see you succeed, I’ve gone ahead and written down a few tips for you that might help you next year to make your first season of college hockey a success.
1. Stay away from the history classes. They’re good with ancient stuff, and really recent history, but really spotty in the middle. They’re really selective with what they teach.
2. Take a philosophy class. Every home game will make that “what is the sound of one hand clapping” question a piece of cake.
3. You are required to care about the blowout win over North Alabama Tech, but you’re not required to care about the Sun Bowl.
4. Practice begins promptly after Coach Lucia finishes shooting his used car commercial and ends when it’s time for him to go shoot his farm equipment commercial.
5. The hooker on the corner of University and 4th is really a man.
6. Buy a water bottle in case you get thirst, because there’s a shortage of jugs on campus.
7. Pucks go into the net, not players.
8. There’s a fence around your school for a reason, and it’s not because of the people outside it.
Hopefully all of this helps you out next year, Phil. I wish you the best of the luck.
Sincerely,
Maize
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2 comments:
Maize,
You make some excellent points.
But, since Phil will be making a trip to Michigan this season as part of the Thanksgiving College Hockey Showcase, I'd like to leave him a few points of my own:
1) Let Michigan know there are a lot of blank pages in their history books from 1964 until 1996. 32 years is longer than 23. Remind them not to thrown stones since they live in a nice glass house.
2) When you leave Ann Arbor after the game this November, please refrain from urinating on bars and other buildings. They like to keep this kind of thing quiet if one of their own is caught, but they'd throw you to the wolves. Maybe this advice would be better served for Coach Lucia.
3) Maybe you should also swing by Grand Rapids this fall, just for a precursor to something later on. Usually in late March there are NCAA hockey games being played there. There's a good chance you'll play there if you stay for more than 2 seasons. If so, watch out for the 35% filled seats with Michigan fans. They tend to get really rowdy, especially when they blow 3 goal leads with a chance to advance to the Frozen Four.
GO4HCKY
Another Michigoon fan whining about Phil Kessel? What a stunning development.
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